Much Better

I am so thankful you are not here Papa

You are in your own words

“Over there – in the other room”

Chasing angels, learning to race clouds

Your terrible jokes would only make things worse (I may laugh)

Your competitions to flip the best omelette(You know how I hate to lose)

Your endless games of scrabble

Or the impromptu horror film festivals

The many many ways you try to jolly me up

No it is so much better 

You are now elsewhere

Without you I have learnt

Not every friend is a soulmate

I have learnt people hurt for sport

There are more masks than faces

I have learnt the world does not end

It only feels like it – but it doesnt

Leaks can be fixed, roofs mended, lives laundried

I have learnt to value my gardener

To confide fully and only in priests

To invest completely in my lawyer 

Your threefold wisdom, I follow still

I have learnt that we can indeed get up after a fall

We can let go and start again

I have learnt even the end is just the beginning – once buried, we begin to grow as does a seed or an idea or the truth itself

Fickle tears do not destroy us, they fall like rain and the sun does come out (eventually)

While you lived

You never let me fall 

Or fail

Or hurt

Or lose

Feel pain

Or see anything other than the very best of the best

You were forever trying

To ensure my life was just roses

And you kept the thorns away

As much as you could, you tried – you died trying

It is better without you

I am learning finallyHow to flip an omellette (even flame, tilt and swirl, just as you said)

How to change gears

How to heal myself

How to conquer fears

How not to break apart, and if I do

How to put the pieces back (by myself)

I am learning grief is not the end

It is just a faithful lifelong friend

Not to be feared but cherished

I have finally learnt

God is not a distant strained contemplation

But a gentle pulse that give us life itself

That is the one lesson you tried but failed as you drew breath – I complete it now with refreshers! 

No it is far better now

For one I no longer have to argue about obscure myths (Yetis are NOT amongst us)

Or share my chocolate (with nuts)

Or my favourite book

Or my moth eaten teddy

Or find my makeup arranged by size or colour

My room miraculously cleaned

My shoes shining and my purse always unfailingly full)

My paintbrushes cleaned, shoelaces tied

No it is a lot better, less fuss, less noise

We were the very best of friends

I shall wait until we meet

To show you how much I have grown

And you can laugh and stand taller

And I will let you steal my favourite pen again – the green one! 

For now it is better I have a heart full of memories

And a will of my own

To hear echoes of your laughter in mine

To remember your face in my crinkled grin

To never give up or mourn you

But to live a full life with you in it

Sticking out like an upside down stamp

So here it is

You see, I have much living left to do

It is so much better now

But only just

It will be sheer perfection

When we race clouds together (keep in formation please, no lane straying)

And I shall beat your best time (oh yes I will)as you roar with laughter

Just perfect then, but for now

This will have to do Papa.